Language and communication are fundamental aspects of human life that play an essential role in our experiences. Language is the tool that allows us to connect with others by sharing thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Thus, it is important that language is used in a way that is true to ourselves and respectful of the individual(s) we are speaking with. In turn, this will help ensure that we are understanding each other fully, sharing in each other’s experiences, and connecting rather than disconnecting.

Generally, when I think of violence, I think of physical violence. However, after reading Nonviolent Communicaton: A Language of Life, I realized that the more common and just as devastating violence occurs through how we communicate with each other. For me, this book provided helpful insight into how to communicate nonviolently and how to listen more intently to what others are expressing. Based on how we were raised and the social norms we learned growing up, it can be challenging to always follow the principles of nonviolent communication. However, with patience, persistence, and empathy for ourselves, we can integrate these principals more consistently.

The following are excerpts from the book that I found especially insightful:

// While studying the factors that affect our ability to stay compassionate, I was struck by the crucial role of language and our use of words. I have since identified a specific approach to communicating – both speaking and listening – that leads us to give from the heart, connecting us with ourselves and with each other in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. I call this approach Nonviolent Communication, using the term nonviolence as Gandhi used it – to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart. //

// NVC guides us in reframing how we express ourselves and hear others. Instead of habitual, automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based firmly on awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention. //

// As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. […] When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. //

// Four components of NVC:

1. Observations. What is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation. The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being.
2. Feelings. We state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated? How we feel in relation to what we observe.
3. Needs. We say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings.
4. Requests. What are we wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us. The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives.

For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we share in common.”

Thus, part of NVC is to express or by other means. The other part of this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what they are observing, feeling, and needing; then we discover what would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece – their request. //

// … it is important to keep in mind that NVC is not a set formula, but something that adapts to various situations as well as personal and cultural styles. While I conveniently refer to NVC as a “process” or “language,” it is possible to experience all four pieces of the process without uttering a single word. //

// One kind of life-alienating communication (language that contributes to our behaving violently toward each other and ourselves) is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don’t act in harmony with our values (“The problem with you is that you’re too selfish,” “she’s lazy,” “they’re prejudiced,” “it’s inappropriate.”) Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment. //

// Long before I reached adulthood, I learned to communicate in an impersonal way that did not require me to reveal what was going on inside myself. When I encountered people or behaviors I either didn’t like or didn’t understand, I would react in terms of their wrongness. If my teachers assigned a task I didn’t want to do, they were “mean” or “unreasonable.” If someone pulled out in front of me in traffic, my reaction would be, “You Idiot!” When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what’s wrong with others for behaving in certain ways or, occasionally, what’s wrong with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would like. Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting. Thus if my partner wants more affection than I’m giving her, she is “needy and dependent.” But if I want more affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and insensitive.” If my colleague is more concerned about details than I am, he is “picky and compulsive.” On the other hand, if I am more concerned about details than he is, he is “sloppy and disorganized.” //

// It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our values and needs. They are tragic because when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance among the very people who behaviors are of concern to us. Or, if people do agree to act in harmony with our values, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness. //

// It is important here not to confuse value judgments and moralistic judgments. All of us make value judgments as to the qualities we value in life; for example, we might value honesty, freedom, or peace. Value judgments reflect our beliefs of how life can best be served. We make moralistic judgments of people and behaviors that fail to support our value judgments; for example, “Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil.” […] instead of “Violence is bad,” we might say instead, “I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means.” //

// Another kind of life-alienating communication is denial of responsibility. Communication is life-alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings, and actions. The use of the common expression have to, as in “There are some things you have to do, whether you like it or not,” illustrates how personal responsibility for our actions can be obscured in speech. The phrase makes one feel, as in “You make me feel guilty,” is another example of how language facilitates denial of personal responsibility for own feelings and thoughts. We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves. //

// Communicating our desires as demands is yet another form of language that blocks compassion. A demand explicitly or implicitly threatens listeners with blame or punishment if they fail to comply. We can never make people do anything. //

// The concept that certain actions merit reward while others merit punishment is also associated with life-alienating communication. This thinking is expressed by the word deserved as in “He deserves to be punished for what he did.” It assumes “badness” on the part of people who behave in certain ways, and it calls for punishment to make them repent and change their behavior. I believe it is in everyone’s interest that people change, not in order to avoid punishment, but because they see the change as benefitting themselves. //

// Life-alienating communication both stems from and supports hierarchical or domination societies, where large populations are controlled by a small number of individuals and to those individuals own benefit. It would be in the interest of kings, czars, nobles, and so forth that the masses be educated in a way that renders them slavelike in mentality. The language of wrongness, should, and have to is perfectly suited for this purpose: the more people are trained to think in terms of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness and badness, the more they are being trained to look outside themselves – to outside authorities – for the definition of what constitutes right, wrong, good, and bad. When we are in contact with our feelings and needs, we humans no longer make good slaves and underlings. //

// NVC does not mandate that we remain completely objective and refrain from evaluating. It only requires that we maintain a separation between our observations and our evaluations. NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations; instead, evaluations are to be based on observations specific to time and context. //

// A common confusion, generated by the English language, is our use of the word feel without actually expressing a feeling. For example, in the sentence, “I feel I didn’t get a fair deal,” the words I feel could be more accurately replaced with I think. In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by: words such as that, life, as if; the pronounces I, you, he, she, they, it; names or nouns referring to people. //

// NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment. //

// When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it.

1. Blame ourselves. One option is to take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. For example, someone is angry and says, “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met!” If choosing to take it personally, we might react: “Oh, I should’ve been more sensitive!” We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves. We choose this option at great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame, and depression.
2. Blame others. A second option is to fault the speaker. For example in response to “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” we might protest: “You have no right to say that! I am always considering your needs. You’re the one who is really self-centered.” When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger.
3. Sense our own feelings and needs. To shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs. Thus, we might reply, “When I hear you say that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ver met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.” By focusing attention on our won feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our efforts to be recognized.
4. Sense others’ feelings and needs. To shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed. We might for example ask, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?” //

// Requests may sound like demands when unaccompanied by the speaker’s feelings and needs. //

// To make sure the message we sent is the message that’s received, ask the listener to reflect it back. Express appreciation when your listener tries to meet your request for a reflection. Empathize with the listener who doesn’t want to reflect back. //

// The fourth component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives. We try to avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not. […] Since the message we send is not always the message that’s received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard. […] Requests are received as demands when listeners believe that they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply. //

// One part of NVC is receiving empathically. Empathy: emptying our mind and listening with our whole being. //

// Empathy with others occurs only when we have successfully shed all preconceived ideas and judgments about them. Intellectual understanding blocks empathy //

// Ask before offering advice or reassurance. //

// If we have accurately received the other party’s message, our paraphrasing will confirm this for them. […] NVC suggests that our paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker:
– what others are observing: “Are you reacting to who many evenings I was gone last week?”
– how others are feeling and the needs generating their feelings: “Are you feeling hurt because you would have liked more appreciation of your efforts than you received?”
– what others are requesting: “Are you wanting me to tell you my reasons for saying what I did?” //

// Paraphrase only when it contributes to greater compassion and understanding. //

// Our challenge then, when we are doing something that is not enriching life, is to evaluate ourselves moment by moment in a way that inspires change both (1) in the direction of where we would like to go, and (2) out of respect and compassion for ourselves, rather than out of self-hatred, guilt or shame.

For example, if we find ourselves reacting reproachfully to something we did (“Look, you just messed up again!”), we can quickly stop and ask ourselves, “What unmet need of mine is being expressed through this moralistic judgment?” When we do connect to the need – and there may be several layers of needs – we will notice a remarkable shift in our bodies. Instead of the shame, guilt, or depression we likely feel when criticizing ourselves for having “messed up again,” we will experience any number of other feelings. Whether it’s sadness, frustration, disappointment, fear, grief, or some other feeling, we have been endowed by nature with these feelings for a purpose: they mobilize us to pursue and fulfill what we need or value. //

The first step to fully expressing anger in NVC is to divorce the other person from any responsibility for our anger. […] We are never angry because of what someone else did. We can identify the other person’s behavior as the stimulus, but it is important to establish a clear separation between stimulus and cause.

So what is the cause of anger? […] whenever we are angry, we are finding fault – we are choosing to play God by judging or blaming the other person for being wrong or deserving punishment.

At the core of all anger is a need that s not being fulfilled. Thus anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up – to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met.

Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.

Steps to expressing anger:
1. Stop. Breathe.
2. Identify our judgmental thoughts.
3. Connect with our needs.
4. Express our feelings and unmet needs.

In situations where there is no opportunity for communicate, such as in instances of imminent danger, we may need to resort to the protective use of force. The intention behind the protective use of force to prevent injury or injustice, never to punish or to cause individuals to suffer, repent, or change.

Compliments are often judgments – however positive of others.

Saying “thank you in NVC: “This is what you did; this is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.”

For many of us, it is difficult to receive appreciation gracefully. We fret over whether we deserve it. We worry about what’s being expected of us – especially if we have teachers or managers who use appreciation as a means to spur productivity. Or we’re nervous about living up to the appreciation.

For more resources on nonviolent communication, visit: Foundations of Nonviolent Communication